Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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