I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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