He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
