My Higher Power is John Stamos
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
