Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
