Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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