It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
