I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Can Purell be used as lube?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
