i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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