What did we do last night that was yellow?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
