You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
