She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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