I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
