i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
