I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
