is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
