If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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