Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
of course. lets lasso hookers.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
