an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
What happened to fro yo and sex?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
