Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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