i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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