are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
