I wish my penis had an off switch
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
