Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Let's get the cat blown out
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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