For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
