If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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