I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
is it fun? or sober?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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