wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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