I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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