So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
