trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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