DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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