Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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