a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
