Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I need a hoe opinion
go on
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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