Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
