I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
