there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
