oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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