you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize