"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
