That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
