do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
