Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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