if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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