i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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