I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I believe in your delicious
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
