I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Randomize
