Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
