im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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