I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
