Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
