I CAN MOONWALK!
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
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