I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
